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Post by Fenris on Oct 2, 2014 20:35:51 GMT -5
The world likes to Surprise you....especially this one. Being a Hound is a pain in the ass sometimes because of that. We go up against Kings, Gods, Fuckin you name it...we face it. This work can kill a man's hopes and dreams....it killed mine. Mine were stupid though, they were selfish, they were immature, and they were not my own. Just the ways I thought shit should be. One thing I should know by now, it is never the way you think shit should be. I spent the better part of the last 3 years learning everything I know is fucked up and wrong. Now I have to teach that to a bunch of newbs....I am not my father....I don't have the patients for this....come to think of it neither did he....I also ain't my dad. I lived in that fuckers shadow for too god damn long. It took almost dying and losing everything to snap out of it. What the fuck is wrong with me. I lost a perfect mate, my entire family, and every single last thing I held dear...I blamed Deaus....it was never Deaus's fault....it was never Dad's, Logan's, or anyone fuckin elses. It was mine......
Responsibility....its also admitting you were wrong no matter how much you hate to do it.
Silence.....just don't speak.
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Post by Fenris on Oct 2, 2014 21:01:56 GMT -5
Sometimes alone is the best way to sort shit out. Sometimes it creates bigger demons than you ever intended to have. I have had just about enough of playing pretend. Yet I play pretend, for the sake of the Few, for the sake of the Many, for the sake of the MC? For the Sake of my Kids maybe? The answer is simple, Yeah... I will myself up everyday for all of that, for the sake of me. I honestly got tired of living like this a long time ago. Like what? Fuck don't ask me, if you don't know you sure as fuck shouldn't be reading this thing. Lets just say my life is barely moving, I keep going cuz of a Simple goal....there is no true reward in this for me, other than to step out of Dad's Shadow.
I don't care about that, I care about the fact people are taken care of. Yet I look across the camp and I see that pale skin and piercing eyes. Why.....Why does it always have to be so impossible. Do I really have something to prove....Yeah...a lot...I have something to make up for, I will probably have more by the time all this is done. At some point a man has to look in the mirror and just say stop.....Why stop...why stop now when you destroyed everything....when you destroy everyone you touch. No...I don't want pitty. I am not saying poor me. Just facts.....facts that upset me so badly.
She tried....so hard. I look over there and I see so many things that could have been, I see ideas, dreams, hopes. What they hell was I doing? It isn't just that she is beautiful. It isn't that she isn't mine and I am throwing a temper tantrum. It is because she is my everything, it is because there are just somethings that just will not die. So we let it go....for their sake...for our own. Still....why can't she see me. Was any of it real? Was any of this real? What is left after all that. A father....a Leader. I am so Arrogant to believe myself to be that, aren't I? Yeah....I am trying though, taking everything I learned.....still that isn't enough.
That doesn't make all this go away does it? I feel her so alive inside me. I feel her soul still beating in my chest. Yet....I am nothing.....I am a man she use to love, the father of her kids that ripped her apart. What kind of monster was I? What kind of maniac was I? I don't recognize that man anymore, I don't recognize those thoughts. I see life and all its beauty alive inside of her. She was the beginning.....she rebuilt me after Tara.....now....now she is the end....and low and behold, I finally became who she wanted me to be. I want to fall on my knees and beg....what right do I have. What have I become?....What am I going to become?
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Post by Fenris on Oct 5, 2014 11:32:48 GMT -5
I look at the people in Church, I see faces I know...many I don't. Its a bit hard to take in how many times the faces have changed over the past 3 years. As long as Logan is there, it tends to always feel the same though. I may not get on with him the way I would like too, I know without him this place is shit. Keep on that train of thought...what am I trying to do here. am I trying to resurrect my fathers dream. In some ways yes, in others no. He knew what he was doing, and he did it his way. I can't do it his way, times are different, people are different, what is coming at us this time is completely different.
I Walk through this place and realize as much as everyone around us has to change....that includes me. I look back 6 months ago, a year ago, I don't recognize that man at all. I don't recognize the horrible shit I use to do or why. I feel like shit for the things I would do. Maybe I still do, do horrible things and justify them in my mind. I don't want to justify the things I do that hurt people anymore. No one deserves that, The things I did to other people. I don't wanna be that man anymore. Probably a reason I don't let people close. Probably why I don't let my VP any closer than she is. She knows me, respects me, but she doesn't know....its impossible to explain.
I still feel like hell for two very big things, Bren, who I love with every part of me, he is my brother, and Rachel.....its like I can't be completely close to anyone. I can't let anyone completely in. Deaus and Chase wonder why I wouldn't feel important enough to be protected for the sake of the Club. Deaus man....You have no idea the things I have done to you alone....or why, in all likelihood You never will. Its better that way. I would rather you never be hurt by my stupid shit, or the shit I felt was right than not. You are a good man....you should have never come here. Many of them should have never come here.
Maybe I should have just ran away with Adriann...maybe no one else would have died...maybe she would still have been alive. God I should have never touched her, what the fuck am I saying. That was...stupid. There are darker things then that in this closet of my mind.....Maybe its best just to close it, nuke it, and let all those skeletons burn. Keeps everyone safer that way. Logan was right though....only a couple people ever survived after sleeping with me... Maybe I should just stop....still I see Rachel through all that....where I should have been from the start. I am a fucking Idiot....could you be there because I am the one who waits for you, or are you unforgiven too?
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