Post by Jo on Oct 6, 2014 13:43:40 GMT -5
10.6.14
So, the world keeps changing. I keep having to take a step back and breathe. Its not like I have anyone here I can really talk to about my problems. Too many things keep happening in the background, too many things keep hurting those I've come to love and cherish. My added problems won't solve anything. Won't help anyone. So, I've resorted to keeping my thoughts here again.
When I first found the Hounds, other people's pain hurt me. I mean, it made my heart ache and sometimes hurt to breathe when others were injured or in emotional turmoil. It took a while. Took hurting people with my own hands. Innocent people. Not because they hadn't done wrong. No, but because they had no choice in the matter and at the end of the day? They wouldn't remember doing the wrong anyway. Innocent. I hurt innocents. And, I suppose that's how I lost mine.
In doing so, yeah, sometimes I still feel my heart clinch in pain. But, it doesn't hurt anymore. Not physically. I've learned to press my emotions back. To hide them and ignore them while what has to be done, has to be done. Which, I think is making me a bad person.
I watched a member of the sept fall to her death. My heart clinched. But I kept moving on. Kept pressing forward as if nothing had happened. Because, why? If I let that get to me, I was no use to anyone. But the old me? The old me would have felt that to her toes. Would have been torn up. I did what I had to do instead.
I've done some awesome things with this group of Hounds. Honestly, I don't care that I'm the V.P. (I never asked for it, even told Lucas I didn't want to be V.P. - but, in the end, even if I was asked I wasn't actually... asked.). Being V.P. isn't one of those awesome things. All it does is put me closer to Lucas on a more daily basis. Am I complaining? No. I think he is a great friend. Sure. He has demons. Lots. Of demons. But, I'm there for him. I listen to his problems like any friend would do. I hold him in tears. Like any friend would do. I grit my teeth at the cause of those tears. Like any friend would do. But, I don't tell him my problems in return. I suppose that means that one of us isn't as a good a friend as I thought? Me. The answer to that question? Its me. I'm not.
If you where here, you would hear me sigh.
Last night, I negotiated for the life of a Kin. Then, I watched the sky above the Camp explode. Did I go running? No. The horrible person I am. I gritted my teeth and turned to finish chimage that was owed. I pressed on and ignored where I knew I had to be. I went in search of three little eggs. And, yeah, I found them. I showed the two with me the beauty of the world around them while I did. But, still, I was there instead of helping my family. I still have the mark on my wrist showing where I was instead of helping. Its like a sunburn, but it won't heal. A ghostly hand print left on me. Punishment for heading on instead of going back? I don't know. Maybe. Spirits are sometimes fickle things.
I came home. I did what I had to do. Checked on those in Medical. Assisted with the triage. And now, I haven't gotten out of my tent. The place I call home; one of the few that wasn't scorched to the ground. All because we hadn't set up along tent-row. I'm sitting here writing this while watching my little girl. My innocent little girl. Just do her home work like her world wasn't upside down... again.
I keep wondering if this is the place for her. If I'm doing her wrong by having her here with me. But I'll be damned if I let her be taken again. Be used again. And, again. I'm a horrible person for this. Right? I would put my daughter's sanity on the back burner? Or am I really justified in keeping her here with me? Safe? I think of those dead children, and I breath a large sigh of relief. It wasn't Clair. I told myself that almost instantly. And. I, thinking about it now, am I horrible person for thinking that. For feeling the relief. While others have lost what is precious to them.
Today. Today I am going to stay here, be with her for the majority of the day. I am going to work on keeping my word with the chimage I owe. The eggs safe with me. I am going to summon a watchful spirit and see if I can help figure out what happened here. Do my part. Make up for my thoughts. For my actions.
That just means - my words here have to end. My mulling. My self degradation. It all has to end here. At least. Until next time that I need to think. To talk with someone. Even if it is just talking with myself: here.
So, the world keeps changing. I keep having to take a step back and breathe. Its not like I have anyone here I can really talk to about my problems. Too many things keep happening in the background, too many things keep hurting those I've come to love and cherish. My added problems won't solve anything. Won't help anyone. So, I've resorted to keeping my thoughts here again.
When I first found the Hounds, other people's pain hurt me. I mean, it made my heart ache and sometimes hurt to breathe when others were injured or in emotional turmoil. It took a while. Took hurting people with my own hands. Innocent people. Not because they hadn't done wrong. No, but because they had no choice in the matter and at the end of the day? They wouldn't remember doing the wrong anyway. Innocent. I hurt innocents. And, I suppose that's how I lost mine.
In doing so, yeah, sometimes I still feel my heart clinch in pain. But, it doesn't hurt anymore. Not physically. I've learned to press my emotions back. To hide them and ignore them while what has to be done, has to be done. Which, I think is making me a bad person.
I watched a member of the sept fall to her death. My heart clinched. But I kept moving on. Kept pressing forward as if nothing had happened. Because, why? If I let that get to me, I was no use to anyone. But the old me? The old me would have felt that to her toes. Would have been torn up. I did what I had to do instead.
I've done some awesome things with this group of Hounds. Honestly, I don't care that I'm the V.P. (I never asked for it, even told Lucas I didn't want to be V.P. - but, in the end, even if I was asked I wasn't actually... asked.). Being V.P. isn't one of those awesome things. All it does is put me closer to Lucas on a more daily basis. Am I complaining? No. I think he is a great friend. Sure. He has demons. Lots. Of demons. But, I'm there for him. I listen to his problems like any friend would do. I hold him in tears. Like any friend would do. I grit my teeth at the cause of those tears. Like any friend would do. But, I don't tell him my problems in return. I suppose that means that one of us isn't as a good a friend as I thought? Me. The answer to that question? Its me. I'm not.
If you where here, you would hear me sigh.
Last night, I negotiated for the life of a Kin. Then, I watched the sky above the Camp explode. Did I go running? No. The horrible person I am. I gritted my teeth and turned to finish chimage that was owed. I pressed on and ignored where I knew I had to be. I went in search of three little eggs. And, yeah, I found them. I showed the two with me the beauty of the world around them while I did. But, still, I was there instead of helping my family. I still have the mark on my wrist showing where I was instead of helping. Its like a sunburn, but it won't heal. A ghostly hand print left on me. Punishment for heading on instead of going back? I don't know. Maybe. Spirits are sometimes fickle things.
I came home. I did what I had to do. Checked on those in Medical. Assisted with the triage. And now, I haven't gotten out of my tent. The place I call home; one of the few that wasn't scorched to the ground. All because we hadn't set up along tent-row. I'm sitting here writing this while watching my little girl. My innocent little girl. Just do her home work like her world wasn't upside down... again.
I keep wondering if this is the place for her. If I'm doing her wrong by having her here with me. But I'll be damned if I let her be taken again. Be used again. And, again. I'm a horrible person for this. Right? I would put my daughter's sanity on the back burner? Or am I really justified in keeping her here with me? Safe? I think of those dead children, and I breath a large sigh of relief. It wasn't Clair. I told myself that almost instantly. And. I, thinking about it now, am I horrible person for thinking that. For feeling the relief. While others have lost what is precious to them.
Today. Today I am going to stay here, be with her for the majority of the day. I am going to work on keeping my word with the chimage I owe. The eggs safe with me. I am going to summon a watchful spirit and see if I can help figure out what happened here. Do my part. Make up for my thoughts. For my actions.
That just means - my words here have to end. My mulling. My self degradation. It all has to end here. At least. Until next time that I need to think. To talk with someone. Even if it is just talking with myself: here.
